Death
I've lived through losing grandparents and close friends - but today is the first time I find myself feeling guilty, as well as sad, angry and shocked, at hearing about the unexpected loss of a loved one. I am one onion peel removed from those whose lives are truly shattered by this loss. Because of this, I feel guilty for the tears. A little voice inside my head keeps telling me I have little right to mourn today - instead, I will pray for her children, her husband and her friends who are keeping it together with such strength.
Even though I can logically explain that, I still want to vent. Not for you to sympathise. I would like to vent and for people to know it, read it, connect with it, relate to it.. Understand it. Is that so hard to ask for? Of course it is. Everything is hard to ask for. Such is Life. But I guess it really is true what they say; “Shit happens, and then you die.”
This is the first time I have experienced this feeling; the one where you are told the news of a death so unbelievably unexpected, instant reactions are “No. No no no no. No.” and that is all. Until the shock settles that is, and you realise that things happen in life that are so unfair it hurts. This is one of them. I’m all for Darwin’s theory of evolution. I’m also Jain, so I believe in reincarnation (well... I keep an open mind to it, and mainly because I want to hold on to the peaceful ideal of the existence of souls). Old age, peace, rest and productivity I can understand, these reasons don’t make me so angry. But mutations? ‘small probability’ illnesses? Infections? Lack of LUCK? These reasons for an unwanted death sentence can do one. So although I’m not sure of the point yet, and I’m a hypocrite for doing this, and I know the person who this currently applies to (as well as those before her) will never read this… ‘RIP’.
Even though I can logically explain that, I still want to vent. Not for you to sympathise. I would like to vent and for people to know it, read it, connect with it, relate to it.. Understand it. Is that so hard to ask for? Of course it is. Everything is hard to ask for. Such is Life. But I guess it really is true what they say; “Shit happens, and then you die.”
This is the first time I have experienced this feeling; the one where you are told the news of a death so unbelievably unexpected, instant reactions are “No. No no no no. No.” and that is all. Until the shock settles that is, and you realise that things happen in life that are so unfair it hurts. This is one of them. I’m all for Darwin’s theory of evolution. I’m also Jain, so I believe in reincarnation (well... I keep an open mind to it, and mainly because I want to hold on to the peaceful ideal of the existence of souls). Old age, peace, rest and productivity I can understand, these reasons don’t make me so angry. But mutations? ‘small probability’ illnesses? Infections? Lack of LUCK? These reasons for an unwanted death sentence can do one. So although I’m not sure of the point yet, and I’m a hypocrite for doing this, and I know the person who this currently applies to (as well as those before her) will never read this… ‘RIP’.
For anyone who reads this and finds themselves feeling like they have no right to mourn, relative to those on the front line, but feels pain and anger in knowing that there is close to nothing we can actively do to help those who find themselves in pieces at this time, I hope you know you’re not alone.
Yours sincerely,
TML.
TML.
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